Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

Leslie Cohen-Rubury
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Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

Is My Child A Monster? A brand new parenting therapy podcast.  You get to be a fly on the wall in Leslie Cohen-Rubury’s office and listen in as she sits with parents who share their stories in therapy sessions recorded live. 

  1. 1D AGO

    Nicky & AJ Part 4 of 4: When Rewards and Punishments No Longer Work

    Parents often go to therapy when the rewards and punishment no longer work because trying to get your child to do what you need them to do can be very challenging. And when the parent’s anxiety gets added to that mix, the result is frustrating and overwhelming for everyone.  This is the final session with Nicky and AJ as they discuss getting their 11 year old daughter Lilly off to school each day and getting her to clean up after herself.   Time Stamps 3:46 Ask yourself “did it feel more effective to do something different” and "did it feel better to you?” whether or not, we got the outcome that we wanted. 5:05 What its like to live with someone who does not complete a task, often someone with ADHD.   7:33 Bring mindfulness skills to the person who doesn’t complete a task 10:25 Make expectations explicit because everyone may have different expectations 11:58 Example of parent using rewards to change your child’s behavior 12:47 Discussion of rewards and punishments 15:15 Using rewards is a way to manage and control behavior, it may not actually teach her to develop behavior that she doesn’t want to do.  17:09 Assess the problem that you want to solve 17:50 Keep track of the behavior - collect data 20:17 Determine whose problem is it? Start by changing your behavior Engage your child into the solution of the problem 24:50 When you understand something about your child, be sure to verbalize it to her 26:38 Setting up contingency plan when there is a pattern of problematic behavior Do it without anger or shamingLay out the plan in advance30:32 A Parent’s anxiety usually makes your children’s anxiety worse 32:26 Fighting reality vs accepting reality when your child doesn’t do things the way you want them to. 33:47 Whose problem is it?  Remember to work on your part of the problem 34:19 Practicing mindfulness skills for ADHD behaviors   Leslie-ism: In moments of stress or anxiety ask yourself “whose problem is it? Resources:   GIVE Skill Handout by DBT.tools Leslie's Handout on Whose Problem Is It? For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

    39 min

  2. 6D AGO

    Bonus Episode: Making Hard Conversations Easier with the DEAR MAN Skill

    Making requests, saying no, and having hard conversations is part of all relationships. And it's rather easy to see how common misunderstandings and conflict ensues in our interpersonal relationships.  That's because we are not born with accurate and effective communications skills. This mini bonus episode is about learning and practicing the DBT skill called DEAR MAN.  This is a conversation between Leslie and her producer, Alletta Cooper where they give an in-depth description of what the skill is and then how to put it into practice. Time Stamps 1:41 DEAR MAN GIVE FAST is the DBT acronym to help us communicate accurately and more effectively DEAR MAN - The goal is to get your objective metGIVE Skills - The goal is about tending to the relationshipFAST Skills - The goal is to focus on your self-respect4:51 DEARMAN skill described in detail 4:51 D = Describe the facts - the who, what, when and where5:35 E = Express your feelings 5:55 A = Ask for what you want - make your request7:03 R = Reinforce what’s in it for the other person7:55 M = Maintain your focus 8:28 A = Appear confident8:32 N = Negotiate if necessary -sometimes you have to give a little to get what you want6:40 Using the skill helps you stay in wise mind 9:32 Role play not using the DEAR MAN skill 11:29 Role play using the DEAR MAN skill 14:38 Timing is an important factor when having difficult conversation 15:10 Using time limits on having conversation is often very effective 16:52 When to use DEAR MAN  19:00 Write it down and practice it over and over again Resources:   Leslie’s Handout on DEAR MAN DBT Skill based on example in the bonus episode and worksheet for practice DEARMAN How to communicate Assertively - DBT-RU DBT Skill: The Most Effective Way to Make a Request by Sunrise Treatment Center For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

    22 min

  3. MAY 9

    Nicky & AJ Part 3 of 4: When Shame Gets In The Way

    We take you “behind the scenes” of what happened before the session officially started.  This episode with Nicky and AJ begins with a communication breakdown.  We all struggle at times communicating with our kids, our partners or other family members. You will learn what happens when shame is in the drivers seat of your life and when shame runs in the family like with AJ and their 11 year old daughter, Lily.  The episode also emphasizes the importance of vulnerability for personal growth and effective parenting. Leslie introduces the Dialectic Behavior Skill called DEAR MAN and puts it into practice.   Time Stamps 3:50 How to talk without shaming and blaming or without ignoring the problem 8:02 and 26:05 Talking about trauma is very difficult and can be very anxiety provoking 11:06 Description of the DBT DEARMAN skill Describe, Express, Ask for what you want, Reinforce it for the other person, Maintain focus, Appear confident, Negotiate when needed16:10 Example of using the DEAR MAN 23:32 and 40:40 Timing is very important when trying to have a conversation 24:30 People who feel invalidated react with anger, shutting down or start defending themselves  27:05 Remember to learn from “misbehavior” - “what can I do differently next time?” 32:10 Shame is an emotion that makes us feel like “a bad person” vs guilt is a justified emotion when our behavior goes against our values 32:06 and 33:00 Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Opposite Action  Go opposite to the urge of the emotion The urge associated with shame is to hideGo opposite to shame when it is not justifiedGo all the way35:27 Example of using Opposite Action Skill 38:26 AJ’s aha moment that both he and his daughter can feel attacked when someone wants you to do something  43:58 Practice being vulnerable Leslie-ism: Give yourself permission to be vulnerable. Resources:   Dialectic Behavior Therapy DEARMAN Skill by DBT.Tools Dialectic Behavior Therapy Opposite Action Skill by DBT.Tools For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

    47 min

  4. MAY 6

    Nicky & AJ Part 2 of 4: Stopping Generational Trauma

    How do you deal with your child’s anger and defiant behaviors? One place to start is to look at what you as parents bring to the table and how that impacts your child.  This is the second session with Nicky and AJ who are seeking help for their 11 year old daughter Lily.  We cover a wide range of topics from the emotional topics of trauma and anger to learning some practical communication skills.  Time Stamps 3:00 Pausing, listening, validating and being curious was effective for communication with their teen 7:08 The DBT GIVE skill - a skill to tend to the relationship (see handout below) 8:34 The DBT STOP skill (see handout below) 11:08  It's okay to say to your child “I don’t know what to do in this moment”.  Be honest 13:59 Trauma work for Childhood Trauma - chronic invalidation Trauma lives in your body (See Book Link below)14:55 Definition of Trauma21:55 Treatment options (See Handout below)19:50  Parents who want to stop the the cycle of trauma, cycle of fear, the cycle of invalidation so it doesn’t get passed on to your child 20:20 Parents who want to do better, who need to do better so they can break that cycle 20:30 Every step makes a difference  21:12  Talking about trauma alone does not treat trauma - Analogy to having a splinter and talking about the splinter 22:15  Mistaken Core Beliefs that develop with traumatic experiences - I am not safe, I am not capable, I am not loveable 25:00 Parents can take responsibility for their actions when you yell or invalidate their child 27:17 People/kids may shut down or get angry when they feel invalidated.  Ask the question, “What did I just say that may have been invalidating to you?” 28:44 The parenting dialectic:  I am trying my best AND I still need to do more 30:25 Three Step Apology to take responsibility when you behave in a way that is problematic 31;58 Assess the prompting events that lead to her emotional dsyregulation 34:10 Defiance and anger can be a secondary emotion to anxiety or overwhelm 32:41 Use context such as timing when trying to understand problematic behavior 40:49 Habituation is the act of getting used to something through repetition 41::00 Dialectic thinking to help her get into the shower (examples) 43:15 Parenting GOAL: Is to connect to your child by making sure they feel understood and respected.   Leslie-ism:  Take a stand and STOP harmful generational patterns Resources:   The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD The Three Step Apology by Leslie Cohen-Rubury Dialectic Behavior Therapy: The GIVE Skill Handout and Practice Sheet by DBT.Tools Dialectic Behavior Therapy.  The STOP Skill Handout and Practice Sheet by DBT.Tools Trauma Treatment Resources:  Dialectic Behavior Therapy Prolonged Exposure - DBT- PEProlonged ExposureCognitive Processing Therapy - CPTFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,

    47 min

  5. APR 29

    Nicky & AJ Part 1 of 4: When Your Child's Defiance is Confusing

    Parents often wonder why their children won’t do what they ask them to do. This often creates conflict and disrespect in the family system. And for the parent, it's very confusing and irritating when you “couldn’t get away with that” when you were a child. In this episode, Nicky and AJ share their concerns, frustrations and fears regarding their 11 year old daughter, Lily.  Lily has had big emotional reactions throughout her life and Nicky and AJ are fearful for her teenage years.  They also admit to their own challenges with emotion regulation. In this episode, we focus on assessing and problem solving Lily's communication as well as managing expectations in the family. We also work on turning conflict into collaboration and respect. Time Stamps 4:47 Name your fears and get them out of the way of parenting 7:32 Go below the surface of Defiance, anger and meltdowns - you don’t see the anxiety and sensitivity 8:00 Metaphor of the iceberg 8:48  #1 goal - help you the parents understand what’s happening 8:54  #2 goal - give you skill and strategies 9:01 Assumption:  She’s doing the best she can at the present time 9:58  Shifting perspective from FINDING FAULT—-- TO FINDING UNDERSTANDING 16:20 Being misunderstood leads to feeling invalidated and can lead to anger 16:56 When Anger helps you to understand your child what’s really going on It's important to assess if “she can’t or she won’t” distinction when talking 18:40  Alexathymia - difficulty expressing feelings   19:42 Metaphor of the flashlight vs turning a light on in the room  to help someone talk 21:20 Getting the quiet teen to talk Give her space and timeInvite her to share when she’s readyValidate and give her a moment- this lets her know you are thereUse statements rather than questionsWarning: don’t add the BUTUsing rating scales29:20 Using Defiance, disobedience as a means to understanding what’s going on with your child 34:05 Some kids get overwhelmed by the demands of life and helping her managing expectations 36:50 A new perspective on defiant behaviors and why that’s parenting “gold” 39:43 Why regulating the underlying (primary) problem/emotion is more effective 41:25 Practice using PAUSE to regulate your emotions Resources:   Handout on Assessment Scale for Alexathymia  Leslie's Video: Metaphor of Why people shut down in conversations Metaphor of the Iceberg: Leslie's blog on how misbehavior is a form of communication Leslie-ism: We don’t need to find fault, we need to find understanding For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music

    47 min

  6. APR 22

    Why Your Child's Play Is Essential Communication with Special Guest Jennifer Sims

    In this episode, Leslie and special guest Jen Sims, a licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist, talk about the importance of play. Jen explains that play is the language of children, allowing them to express emotions and experiences. She specializes in Non-directive Play Therapy, which involves creating an environment where children can fully engage in play without feeling hurried. Jen emphasizes the principles of empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard, and discusses how play therapy can help children heal from trauma, behavioral issues, and other challenges. Time Stamps 2:06 Play is the story that kids are writing about themselves 2:25 Definition of Play Therapy and the kinds of therapy 3:35 Reasons why children may go to therapy 5:47 Carl Rogers A person centered therapist:  3 tenets of his therapy EmpathyCongruenceUnconditional Positive Regard5:55 Virginia Axline developed Non-Directive Play Therapy - 8 principles (see show notes for more formal list) 6:35 Definition of Unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean I love your behavior..it means I love you 7:45 Explaining the non-directive part of non-directive play therapy 8:20 Trust the child to move towards healing 10:45 Mirroring and attunement is something parents can also do at home to enrich and depend their relationship with their child 12:35 Children play in themes 15:35 Description of Fiial Play Therapy that parents can do it at home 17:15 Explaining the process of attunement 20:44 Setting limits around safety and other things requires consistency 22:59 Both Parents and children need empathy to feel understood 25:31 AutPlay is play therapy specifically designed for Neurodivergent kids 28:37 Jen’s advice for parents -  31:35 We can trust children to lead the way with creative solutions towards their own healing Resources:   Video of Play as a form of communication Jen Sims Website at the Redwood Center for Children And Families  Jen Sims Instagram Article on Non-directive Play Therapy and The Underlying Principles by Cognitive Behavioral Play Therapy Filial Play Therapy AutPlay Therapy Resources Registration for Leslie’s  NEABPD Webinar on “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What Is It and What To Do About IT Leslie-ism: Set aside 20 minutes to let your child lead the way in play For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and

    34 min

  7. APR 15

    Jean & Alex Part 3 of 3: When You Want to Get Unstuck

    It's not unusual to feel stuck or trapped as a parent. Having options is the antidote to that feeling. You have options for how you think, how you behave, how you deal with emotions. And those options put you in the drivers seat…you get to see and feel the choices you have and you get to choose! This episode is the third and final episode with Jean and Alex who are dealing with their 6 year old daughter’s big emotions. We focus on how to change your mindset and review several coping strategies to help your child.  Time Stamps 3: 22 Naming the skill - dialectic dilemmas and dialectic synthesis  4:20 The dialectic dilemma is between the child’s needs and the parent’s needs. 5:15 Having options is a necessary element in our mental health - Noticing your “choices” 7:10 Helping parents helps our children:  realizing that your mood impacts your child’s mood 11:50 GIve your child (or anyone) permission to actually have the big emotions 13:20 Main dialectic dilemma between Acceptance and Change Acceptance often is needed first - it’s more effective to accept the moment before you try to change what’s happeningFirst thing to do: Acknowledge the big emotion. Then move onto solving the problem20:25 A description of three states of mind (illustration of states of mind in show notes) 22: 50 Take your time teaching these skills to your child:  repeat it, use different metaphors, say it differently, use different examples 25:00 Skills to use to move your child from emotion mind to wise mind Acknowledge that your child is in emotion mind: Name itRate itDistractionFlexible thinking - dialectic thinking with the magic ANDIce pack across your eyes, or face plant into a bowl of cold waterBreathing Exercises (see Link to handout below)Puzzles, activities25:44 Explaining how to move from the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system to help us regulate 31:41 Do you feel different? Is the helpful question 34:32 weave the DBT skills and emotional regulation language into your everyday language. 36:13 Exposure work can be done as gentle exercises to help your child with uncomfortable situations Start easy and work you way up to harder situations Mantra:  I’m scared and I can do it anywaySTAY presentHave faith that your child can do itThe goal is not to avoid the problem, the goal is to be reduce your emotion and return to the problem Resources:   NEABPD free Webinar presented by Leslie Cohen-Rubury titled “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What it is and What to do about it.” Click here to register Handout on Mindfulness Breathing Exercises  Video on three states of mind  Leslie-ism: When you feel stuck, look for the options (I promise you they are there) For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcas

    49 min

  8. APR 8

    Jean & Alex Part 2 of 3: When Your Child Wants a Lot of Your Attention

    Parents get exhausted because parenting is exhausting. Parents also can get exhausted because they are in essence tripping over their own feet.  Have you ever thought that your worry thoughts are the thing that is contributing to your exhaustion?  Whether it's your child or yourself, worry makes people uncomfortable. In this episode, we talk about teaching her child to handle discomfort through exposure work.  And when parents practice what they preach, their children are so much more likely to learn those lessons.That’s a parenting gem.  We also focus on how personal vulnerability plays into parenting, how to manage the frustration and how to find solutions through synthesis Time Stamps 5:04 Learning to live with someone else is a spiritual practice - the frustration is a given and it teaches us to learn to tolerate differences 7:35 A Dialectic Dilemma - I want alone time vs I want to be with you all the time dialectic synthesis (makes a black and white design) vs a compromise (makes grey). See Handout below.Brainstorming your ideas for different syntheses promotes flexible thinking and multiple options17:50 If we meet our child’s need when it's small, we may be able to keep it from escalating 20:30: Three strategies for dealing with Kids who want your attention I’m cooking (expect them to wait)Take a quick break and see what they want to show youConnect to your child before they ASK.  22:04 Take responsibility for your own “frustration or irritation” - Own it, Name it 22:47 Be who you are, Accept who you are AND also work on Change! 25:08 Radical acceptance the normal frustration 25:30 Tolerating Differences is something children can learn when parents are different 26:25 Talking about the idea of our children “pushing our buttons” clinically called vulnerabilities and a prompting event for emotional reactions 28:23 Beware of blaming and shaming your child if you think your reaction is their fault.  31:15 Children are trying to meet their needs:  Parents can interpret that as manipulation or believing that the child is “powering over you” 32:20 Children who ask questions over and over again may need reassurance 33:36 Lean into the child’s problematic behavior with curiosity and send it back to the child. Don’t make it about you. Make it about her 36:00 The homework assignment of making a list of “I CAN HANDLE IT”  - listing when she had a struggle and how she handled it 38:28  Advice for Parents: Try a little less hard.  Trying too hard: making everything a lesson, trying to get it so right.  General Surgeon said Parents are too stressed and its affedcting their mental health Resources:   US General Surgeon’s Advisory Article on “Parents Under Pressure” Embark Behavioral Health Article on All or Nothing Thinking: The Impact of a Black and White Mentality Leslie's Handout on Images of Dialectic Synthesis Leslie-ism: Remember you don’t have buttons that your child pushes, but you do have vulnerabilities. Take a look and recognize those vulnerabilities so your kids don't do it first  For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram,

    46 min
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Is My Child A Monster? A brand new parenting therapy podcast.  You get to be a fly on the wall in Leslie Cohen-Rubury’s office and listen in as she sits with parents who share their stories in therapy sessions recorded live. 

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